Storm clouds hang over most of my past. Things were never easy for me the way they seemed to be for other people. I was always a step behind in areas that I felt were too important for me not to excel in, such as making friends with people who don’t steal from you/lie to you/mentally torture you/abandon you. In other areas I just seemed to lack motivation, and I think the increased lack of motivation I’ve felt in new things I take on has come from a lack of faith in myself and in the belief that “God has a plan for you”.
See, if someone’s got a plan for me, I want to look over the blueprints and see what exactly is going to happen. I can’t do that though, so in the need to know everything that is going to happen in my life before it happens, I became a Planner. I’m talking not only planning when I will move again, but the furniture for this amount of square feet versus that amount of sq ft. Excessive right? That unit, that couch, that lamp might not be available 11 months from now, yet all of it is bookmarked away in a folder. And that is just living space plans. The amount of time and energy I spend agonizing over the future instead of taking care of today is a little scary.
I can’t control everything, I can’t predict my future, but if I remember to have a little faith that if I make the best out of today, then perhaps tomorrow won’t be so bad, maybe I can make it alright.